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Articles
Letting Go Of Your Kids
by Nancy Nylen
Letting Go of Your Kids (Confessions of A Single Mother Series)
Whether your kids are learning how to walk or taking their first spin on a bicycle or driving the car for the first time or leaving home to college, each step in their pathway to being a grown up is filled with a certain trepidation for the parents.
And yet, from the moment a child is born, they are growing up and away from you. If you have done a good enough job in raising them, they will not need you at all. You will find yourself retired, obsolete and wondering about job security.
For some, the prospect of letting go is simply too difficult to imagine. The term ''helicopter moms'' was coined for the hovering over of a child, even a young person who is already out the door to college. As unimaginable as this seems, even in our family did I witness this strange phenomenon.
At first, I thought it bizarre when I heard about kids bringing home several months (?) worth of dirty clothes . . . I doubt I could last that long, personally. Perhaps the five bucks or so that it cost to run the washers and dryers didn't fit into the budget. But no, I knew there was enough for beer, so that couldn't have been the reason.
Then, during a family visit, when the four cousins decided to take a quick trip down to Tijuana, which in California is a right of passage for all young adults . . . something about the great shopping, I'm sure; my hovering sister went into something of a panic mode. Yes, it's a different country, and yes it's a long drive from where we live, and yes, it's just overnight.
The eldest cousin, then twenty-five, and out working and supporting himself by then actually had to discuss this plan with his mother and get her permission to go. I was amused and flabbergasted. They ended up going, but I'm sure my poor sister had a bad case of anxiety the entire time.
Having been a single mother from the onset, I have had to give my kids more freedom than other children, simply because I could not always fill in every moment of every day with adult supervision. There was bound to be those times when they would be left alone.
Yes, things did happen. And yes, it was the perfect learning opportunity to discuss how to handle things better the next time, if there was a next time. But this is how we learn. We bump along, make mistakes and, hopefully learn from them. If not, it makes for great discussions with your therapist after all else fails!
I have tried to give my kids a lot of credit for being relatively smart and to learn how to think on their feet if and when something does happen. Oddly, just as many accidents happened when they were with me as when they were on their own, you know the expression . . . .stuff happens.
Controlling your kids' behavior may lead to the perfectly mannered child while they are with you, but what will they do in your absence? If they are always told how to act, isn't a there a point of rebellion just to see what if? You know the syndrome of first year college kids gone wild.
By allowing kids to experiment, fall on their knees, break a favorite toy or whatever it is you're trying to tell them not to do, or do because I said so; it's bound to get tested sooner or later. The lesson of discovery is invaluable. Action creates consequence, whether bad or good.
My son raged and pleaded with me to fix his bicycle that he had somehow messed up. He was maybe nine or ten at the time. I told him I didn't know how, sorry, couldn't help him. He ranted and raved for a little while, making sure I heard his ugly tirade. After the anger subsided, the ingenuity kicked in. Tools clinked on the patio, experiments happened. Within a half hour or so, voila, the bike was fixed. He smiled with satisfaction.
Every chance to be self-sufficient is a great learning opportunity. I am filled with a certain satisfaction of knowing that my kids really don't need me as much anymore. Having survived the stage where I knew nothing, it is a pleasure when they come and ask ME for help, now. It's rare, but you just know they're ready to listen!
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Contact the author, Nancy Nylen
, at nancy@causeoflife.com
.